If I would allow myself to be honest, I am afraid.
This feisty young lady who is often unfazed by the things around her and believes that all things will eventually be overcomed, she is afraid.
Min shares with me that she has been learning to walk in step with the Lord, which also implies that she disciplines her mind and imagination such that they too, do not run ahead and worry unnecessarily. This, I find easy to do when it is a potentially good outcome, with negligible impact should the outcome turns out otherwise. (Case in point: my wait for an overseas Academic Fellowship.)
But this is new. I had never imagined that my body might have problems too. Immediately, my mind fumbles for the worst case scenario—chemotherapy. (Just discovered that death is not on my list. Why?) And I wonder, would I be okay with that?
I would be lying if I said that this preliminary assessment of my health does not cast a shadow on the glorious riches of the things I’ve seen God do in Myanmar, and the favour that He has poured on me for my work. Yet, I do believe that the conversation I had shared with Hannah last night still holds true: that I am deeply graced and favoured in this season of my life, and that I MUST record these down, as faith stories that would help me to fix my eyes on Jesus, my source of Love and Strength, in troubled times.
Mum pleaded with me to stop being so involved in serving God, “Go once a week to receive the message will do, won’t it? Why make yourself so busy? What do you think your body is? When it is down, do you really think Jesus will be able to save you?”
This is the real test of my faith, isn’t it? It challenges if I truly believe the theology that I’ve subscribed to and believed for the past 7 (going on 8) years of my life. It challenges if I truly believe Jesus to be who He said He is. He is Healer, He is Provider, He is Strength, He is Refuge, He is Joy, He is Salvation, He is Peace, and so many more. Do I really believe?
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. —1 Peter 1:3-9
I believe. And I will wait.
While waiting, I will discipline my mind to remember that my God is alive, my God is trustworthy, my God is the Promiser. I will hold on to God, I will allow God time to work my faith in this waiting, knowing that this wait will strengthen my faith.
My God is who He said He is. He is my Healer, He is my Provider, He is my Strength, He is my Refuge, He is my Joy, He is my Salvation, He is my Peace, He is my Covenant, He is my Strong Tower, He is my Hiding Place.