trudge

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School’s been hard.

I am—we are—learning many lessons the hard way. Just when we thought we were getting somewhere in terms of design direction, our tutors from their bird’s eye view of experience helped us to zoom out and we realised that our proposal hadn’t been desirable. Ouch, it hurt a little, but I knew they were right and I reminded myself that it was just an idea, that it’s alright, that we’re all learning together.

Then Donn said something that affected me very much. We were talking about design, solving problems, functions and aesthetics. And he made a remark that design is not just about solving problems through mechanical, functional approaches. That was a new hard truth for me—a paradigm jolt.

For the past year, I’d been putting puzzle pieces together, trying to rationalise for myself why I am in this course of study. And I had become satisfied with the idea that I am here so that I may improve the lives of those in the world through better design, making things work for them, making things they need but never knew. Thus when Donn made that remark, I was totally blown away. The synapses in my brain just went off, wires snapped, and the mind went “Say what? That’s all I was hoping to do, all I thought I was here for,  and now you’re telling me no?” I felt terribly lost. I was so close to breaking down.

But I told myself, I must be tough. It is so embarrassing to cry during the group consultation session, and there’d be much explaining to do which I wouldn’t be able to articulate clearly. I managed to keep it in thankfully! Spoke to God briefly about it in the toilet after the session; was in such desperate need to be away from people. And the Holy Spirit lifted my head and spirit, whispering assuredly that God knows best, and I am still in the right place, I’ve got to trust Him.

Yes, trust I will. What else have I to do? I am already so grateful for my chance to be in university in such a tough yet rewarding course where personal growth and development in all aspects is guaranteed.

Yet of course that being said, I’ve got to toughen myself up for the tough processes that’d bring me from now till then. It’s not easy, many times I am stretched so badly, but I am learning. I am growing. I need to keep encouraging myself, and keep affirming my faith in Christ.

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On a side note, while I was at the water dispenser taking a short break, it dawned upon me that while I’d been leading the rvjc lg last academic year, it’d been so ‘natural’ for me to continually attend every single lifegroup session, because I have to be there and also I have an unspoken obligation to set an exemplary example for them to follow. Yet because my course is so demanding and there are high opportunity costs involved, most times I go I struggle. And deep within there could have been a mustard seed of bitterness and pain that I never knew until the moment of epiphany today. I carried the bitterness and pain to others, resulting in my heart condemnation towards those who had not been able to attend because they had other issues to handle. In my heart I’d been feeling like no one could outgive me in a sense; if I can take time off to be here, why can’t you? Yet that was so unfair, so carnal. What gave me the right? Sigh, but God is good and His grace brought both the lg and I through. Now I know, and I must remember to exercise grace and grow in my level of empathy.

Press on, Z, toward the Light.

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